Marriage is a commitment. We’ve all heard that all our lives. But it’s more than committing to staying with one person for the rest of our lives. We’re also committing to work on our relationship. Part of this work is keeping a giving attitude. Having a giving attitude is important when learning how to save marriage.

We are all selfish — some more than others. It’s very normal for us to be concerned with our own self interests. However, in a marriage, we have to give some of that up and make continual efforts at making sure our spouses interests are being met.

Power struggles are a way to take what we want. We disregard others’ opinions and desires and push our agenda or wants, no matter the outcome. This is very destructive to a marriage.

In a healthy marriage, both partners should be willing and able to freely discuss their needs and wants, and both should be willing to bend to try to help their spouse meet their needs. Each spouse should be willing to consider the other’s opinions. It’s also important that these discussions remain calm and even loving.

Once a couple has learned how to diffuse power struggles, they are often on the road to saving marriage.

Often in a troubled marriage, an affair by one or occasionally both spouses is the last straw. The emotional trauma of infidelity causes so much pain that it’s hard for the other spouse to think clearly enough to find a solution. The cheater, on the other hand, is lost in a fantasy, and likely doesn’t want anything to change. They like having the security of a family along with the excitement of the affair. It’s often difficult to see how to save marriage from divorce.

If you’ve discovered that your spouse is involved in an affair, the first step is to take a long, hard look at the relationship and decide if it is worth saving. The steps you’ll have to take to save a marriage after an affair are not easy. Of course, neither is divorce, but unless you’ve been dealing with abuse or destructive behaviors, even a long, difficult rebuilding of your relationship would be easier than divorce.

If you decide that you do want to save the marriage, you need to steel yourself for some difficult steps. Your spouse will become very angry, and there are no guarantees. However, if you constantly remind yourself and them that you’re “fighting to save your family,” eventually they’ll understand. Remember your goal is to end the affair and save your marriage. You’ll both have to work on rebuilding the relationship after the affair is over. But until that happens, you can’t move forward.

After you’ve decided that your marriage is worth fighting for, you have to work to end the affair.
Before confronting your spouse, review all of the evidence you’ve gathered. Is it conclusive? Are you certain? If so, you’ll need to find details about the other man/woman. Where do they work? Are they also married and cheating on their spouse?

Now for the difficult first step.

You need to contact your spouse’s family, friends, and work and tell them all about the affair. This needs to be done in one fell swoop. Make all of the calls at one time so that your spouse doesn’t have time to formulate a “story.” Tell your pastor. Tell your kids. Tell your neighbors. Your spouse has a support group. Once they know of the affair, they won’t support that activity – especially if they know you’re “fighting to save the family.”

During the same session, you need to call the other man/woman’s spouse and tell them about the affair. It seems drastic, but they also deserve to know. It will put pressure on the affair from both directions. Affairs are usually very fragile fantasies, and this kind of pressure will quickly bring them to an end. Suggest to their spouse that they also make calls like you’ve done to bring down their support as well.

Your spouse will be very angry. “It’s none of your business.” “We’ve already ended the affair, so how could you do this?” “You’re making me out as the bad guy.” They don’t know it, but they’re just following a script. You need to follow yours by saying, “I’m fighting to save our family.”

Any time the anger begins to escalate (and it will), calmly repeat that phrase.

Do not move out. Do protect your finances. If your spouse threatens to leave, tell them that they are welcome to, but the kids are staying. Tell them that the only ways out are to leave without the kids or completely end the affair.

Eventually, either they will move out or the affair will end.

If they choose to end the affair, you need to both openly close all possible means of contact. Get them a new cell phone where you get the bill. Get a new unlisted home telephone number. Change churches (if they’re both in the same church). Make them change jobs (if they work together). Move to a new neighborhood – or city. Do whatever it takes to completely sever the relationship.

Once it’s over and some time has passed, your spouse will understand what they’ve done and the process of saving marriage can begin in earnest.

I’m always on the lookout for good information on how to save marriage, and today I found a great article talking about the differences between how men and women handle these problems. It also goes a little bit into the root of the differences.

The author had been running marriage counseling classes for women for years before finally starting classes for men (after women in her classes asked, “why is it always the woman’s job to make the changes?”). During these first classes, she found that men respond completely differently to these situations than women do.

Men tend to be more direct and need specific answers, whereas women tend to accept generalizations.

But most importantly, she touches on some of the differences between men and women that can eventually lead to problems in a relationship.

Men tend to be more physical and women tend to be more phychological. She says that it’s often a man that teaches a woman to be proud of her body and that it’s something to enjoy. It’s more natural for a man due to his physical nature.

On the other hand, a man often has to be taught by a woman to be tender, sensitive, and patient. For women, the closeness, attention and caring are more important that the physical.

Finally, she compares a relationship to salesmanship. The first step in selling anything is to find out what the customer’s needs are. The exact same thing holds true in a relationship. Given the differences between men and women, it’s no wonder when we expect our partner’s needs to be the same as ours that we often miss the mark.

While the article doesn’t have any immediate solutions, for someone who’s trying to figure out how to save marriage, it might just provide a nudge in the right direction.

The article can be found here.