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Affair Advice Archives

“I’m having an affair and I don’t know what to do…”

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having an affair Im having an affair and I dont know what to do...
Yesterday a reader sent me an email with the following question: ”I’m having an affair and I love my girlfriend, but I don’t want to abandon my family. What should I do?”

OK, time to step back from my emotions and try to answer this question from an objective perspective.

If you’re having an affair, you really have three choices. None of these choices is good. Unfortunately, you’ve already made a monumental bad choice, and there will be consequences for that choice. However, I’ll try to detail the three different paths below. Read the rest of this entry

When is it OK to Snoop on Your Spouse?

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is it ok to snoop on your spouse When is it OK to Snoop on Your Spouse?
I see this all the time.

One partner begins looking into their spouse’s behavior, and they are accused of being controlling or that they don’t trust their partner. Sometimes this might be true. There are other times when it’s not only OK to dig a bit, but it’s critical for the survival of your marriage.

How do you know when to dig and when to give your spouse space? Read the rest of this entry

My Husband Seems Distant. What Does This Mean?

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husband seems distant My Husband Seems Distant. What Does This Mean?
For years, everything has seemed OK in your marriage. Sure, you’ve had a few issues, but nothing out of the ordinary. Your marriage is pretty normal.

Suddenly your husband seems distant

However, you sense a sudden change. You think, “my husband seems distant.” Without any real reason you can see, your husband seems emotionally distant. When you’re together, it’s almost as if he’s not “into” the moment. He seems closed-off and won’t talk about anything important. Read the rest of this entry

“I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”

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ilybinilwy 215x300 I love you, but Im not in love with you.
These are some of the hardest words to hear from your spouse in a marriage – I love you but I’m not in love with you.

Often they come as a surprise. For years your marriage has been the same. Sure, there have been problems, but nothing that might put the marriage at risk. Then, out of the blue, your spouse tells you this.

What does it mean?

First, know that this is a very common phrase in marital difficulties. While the specifics might be different, generally the meaning is the same. So while your specific marriage issues might not perfectly match this (short) article, just know that you really aren’t alone. Now on to what your spouse is trying to say. Read the rest of this entry

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The Most Important Step to Take To End Your Spouse’s Affair!

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First, take a deep breath.

The place you’re at is one of the toughest to be in during a marriage. You are angry. You are hurt. You feel betrayed. You know that something has to change.

You are absolutely right. Something does have to change.

Either you (or you and your spouse) have to work to rebuild the trust in your relationship, or you need to take decisive action to end the marriage. As painful as it is, those are the only two real options. Sure, some think that they can simply forgive and forget, but with a wound this deep, that’s just not realistic. Infidelity is way too big of a problem to ignore or simply sweep under a rug. It will not go away on its own. Read the rest of this entry

4 Tips – How to Fix Marriage After Trust is Gone

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Trust is a difficult thing to attain and once it’s been broken is even more difficult to regain. However, if you really want to fix your marriage and save it from divorce, then you can work slowly towards creating a happy marriage once again.

The first thing to consider is what caused you to lose your trust in the first place. There has to be an understanding between both partners as to what led up to the problem. By talking about it and discussing the where’s and why’s you can work out how to try and rebuild the trust between you again.

There is no quick fix answer to lack of trust. Once you feel uncertain about your partner there is a constant feeling of doubt which is difficult to eliminate. It therefore has to be a joint effort and continuous openness in order to regain the feeling of security you once had.

Below are four ways of facing the problem and trying to overcome it:

  1. You have to be prepared to forgive and to move on. If you are constantly feeling bitterness towards your spouse you will not be able to work together to rebuild the trust.
  2. Talk, talk, talk. So often couples drift apart because they don’t talk to one another any more. By discussing your feelings and problems you can help each other to build a closeness and trust and feel secure in the knowledge that you’re helping each other to overcome any problems together.
  3. Curb your suspicions and jealousy. Don’t watch and accuse every time your spouse is home late or spending time talking to someone else. Over possessiveness can lead to a feeling of claustrophobia and the instinct then is to run. You have to let go, and learn to trust again.
  4. Try to keep the interest alive in the marriage by doing things together. Even making time to sit and dine together by candlelight one evening a week can help to reignite the romance you feel you may have lost.

Apart from your partner’s indiscretions which originally caused the problem, be it financial, another partner, or whatever other reason, you should also look to yourself. Could it be that you have in some way contributed to the situation.

Of course, at the same time, your spouse must be completely transparent. If they even seem to be hiding something, they are not making the effort that they should be making to earn your trust. For couples with trust issues, I highly recommend the book, Save the Marriage. This book lays out a plan for both the “guilty” party and the “hurt” spouse. It talks about how you have to step back from the problem and focus on the marriage. The step-by-step plan it gives can even help a couple recover from an affair… even make the marriage stronger afterwards than it ever was before. Click here to read more about this book…

Trust is a difficult thing to define, but to a certain extent we all want to feel we can rely on someone completely before we commit to them. The fact that this doesn’t always work out does not mean it can’t be rectified, and if there was once a deep love then it’s definitely worth trying to overcome the problems together for the sake of your family and to fix marriage.

Remember though, it’s a two way solution and you must both commit to it completely for it to work. You can fix a marriage after trust has gone, but it will take time and patience and a great deal of self searching. If the love is still there it’s worth the effort.

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