Disclosure -vs- Trust in a Marriage
Trust in a marriage is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship. Open communication is built on a foundation of trust, and trust increases with communication. They really build on each other within a marriage. If you don’t trust your spouse, you’re far more likely to be careful of the words you use. You might even hold back things that you should tell them out of uncertainty on how they’re react. However, once the trust is broken, it will take some work to rebuild it, and that’s where disclosure comes in.
Trust in a Marriage
In order to have a lasting, happy marriage, there should be complete openness between the partners. That means that you should let them see and know the real you. 100% of you. Even the parts that aren’t necessarily very lovable. That takes a lot of trust in a marriage.
“But if he knew about {fill in the blank}, he’d hate me.”
You have to be open and willing to share yourself completely with your spouse. If you are constantly holding back, there’s a really good chance that they are too. We’re all somewhat less than perfect (some, more than others), and we all have freckles or worse blemishes in our past. At the same time, we all make mistakes. While it might be painful at the time, openly discussing these past or present issues will lead to a much happier and stable marriage down the road.
Let me give an example:
Let’s say there’s a new guy at your office. He’s been friendly at work, without being flirty. Suddenly, after light friendly conversation at work he starts sending you slightly flirtateous text messages. You are flattered, but have zero intention of going down that road.
So, what should you do?
First, tell your husband. I know that in light of some of the other posts on my site some will say I’m being too old-fashioned. However, reverse the roles in your head. What if it were your husband receiving flirty text messages from a pretty new hire in his office? So tell him.
“Remember Joe? The new guy at the office? I don’t think I’ve been overly friendly with him, but he must see something that isn’t there. He’s started sending me flirty text messages.”
Would that be a tough conversation? Perhaps. Regardless, tell him. Show him the text messages. He might demand that you tell Joe that his advances are unwelcome. You should (in a friendly way).
By being open about what could be seen as a threat to your marriage, rather than breaking it down, you’ll actually be building trust in a marriage.
“I don’t want to hurt his feelings…”
What if, instead of being open in the above situation, you didn’t tell your husband?
You are flattered by Joe’s flirting. Really they’re harmless, so you don’t ask him to stop. From here, it’s a slippery slope to an affair. The flirts become stronger. Your pulse races faster. Eventually, the attraction builds beyond what you feel for your husband. I’m not saying that everyone who’s flirted with cheats. I’m just saying that most affairs begin with contact that’s about as innocent as this.
If Joe’s flirting never progresses, it could still turn out badly. What if your husband happens to see one of these messages on your phone? What would he think? What would you think if the tables were turned?
Finally, even if you ask Joe to stop, you’ve still harmed your relationship with your husband by not telling him. In a slight way, a key secret like this makes you feel superior to your husband. You know something he doesn’t. Over time, as you chip, chip, chip away at your respect for your husband, your relationship will go downhill. If you really respect him, demonstrate that respect by telling him about this potential threat to his marriage – and how you’re going to handle it.
What about “snooping?”
Trust is a two-way street. We should strive to be trustworthy. At the same time, we should extend trust to our spouse.
If we enter a marriage expecting that our husband is just looking for an opportunity to cheat on us, we’ll never be very happy. Fear or pain from a past relationship might cause you to want to secretly look through your husband’s email/Facebook/text messages to make sure he’s not doing something he shouldn’t be doing. Fear and distrust are pretty weak building blocks for a marriage. If you can’t get over your past, talk with a counselor.
In a marriage, nothing should be private. At the same time, we should respect our spouse’s territory. Yes, that sounds like a contradiction, so let me explain.
Lets say you tell your husband that there are no secrets in your purse – he’s welcome to go into it at any time for anything. What if you saw him one day digging through everything, going through the contents with a fine-toothed comb? How would that make you feel? He’d be snooping. You’d feel like he didn’t trust you. It would be wrong.
When is disclosure required for trust in a marriage?
There are, however, times when snooping isn’t snooping.
If there has been a history in your relationship of inappropriate behavior (infidelity, addiction, etc.) or even questionable behavior (texting, porn, etc), and you’ve decided that the only way to move past the bahavior is for it to end completely, there must be 100% complete disclosure. In these cases, it’s not only acceptable, it’s also a responsibility to verify that the problem isn’t creeping back into the marriage. When you’re working at moving past a marital issue, sometimes full disclosure is the only way to restore trust in a marriage. Even then, it will take time and patience for both of you.
What can you do?
If you have issues trusting your spouse, or more importantly, if there are issues in your marriage that are preventing you from trusting him, There is still a chance for making things right.
Dr. Lee Baucom’s book, Save the Marriage goes into great detail on how to restore trust after it’s been broken. He also talks about ways to build trust so that problems won’t be as big when they do happen. CLICK HERE to learn more about this book. It’s the only one I recommend, and it’s a great roadmap to helping you rebuild the trust in a marriage.