Some of the worst ongoing fights in a marriage can be a result of inequalities in the marriage. These battles are often the ones that rise up over and over again – sometimes in circumstances that have nothing to do with the original argument. They’re also often the things that can be brought back up for years.
Let me give you some examples.
The husband says that he works hard all day at work and doesn’t think he should have to do the work at home, too. Of course his wife, a stay-at-home-mom, has been home with the kids all day and really needs a break – even a short break – once her husband is back home.
Who is right? Who has done more during the day? Who deserves the break or time to relax?
Let’s consider another example.
The husband is the breadwinner in the home. His wife also works, but her pay is 60% of his.
He feels that since he makes the most money, he gets the final say in how their money is spent – including his “blow money.” His wife feels as if she has no control of their spending and is always resentful (and vocal) about the situation.
Who is right and who is wrong?
Marriage often seems as if it’s a balancing act. The selfish part within each of us is always complaining, “that’s not fair.” It’s not fair that he never does the laundry. It’s not fair that she’s always “too tired” for sex. It’s not fair that he has money for his hunting trips but there’s never enough for my clothes. And on and on…
The truth is that it’s nearly impossible to make even one small facet of a marriage completely equal and fair. Add to that the perception that your contribution is more important (or difficult) than the other person’s, and you have a recipe for conflict.
How can you avoid this trap?
- First, realize that perception is hard to overcome. The perception of a husband who has been working all day is that his stay-at-home wife has had an easy day. It’s probably incorrect, but seen from his viewpoint that’s how things might look.At the same time, his wife’s perception might be that her husband never helps with the kids. The truth might be that he helps with the kids quite a bit, compared with the total amount of time that he’s home. However from her viewpoint, his desire to relax just a bit after a hard day at the office might look completely differently.
- Next, take a good look at the big picture. How much does your spouse contribute overall? If she always does the laundry and cleans the bathrooms, that counts for something. If he always takes care of the yard, that counts too.On the other hand, if your husband is unemployed, never does any housework, and never lifts a finger to do anything, you’re probably justified in your criticism. You’re also in the minority.
- Finally, understand that most of the things you’re doing aren’t really for your spouse. You’re doing them for the marriage. When you both come to a better realization and understanding of this idea, it makes it far easier to deal with the inevitable inequalities. You’ll no longer feel that you’re doing a lot of “X” for him, so why won’t he do “Y” for me?
In his book, Save the Marriage, Dr. Baucom talks quite a bit about working on the “WE” in your marriage. This way of dealing with the inequalities is part of that.
If you find yourself caught in the balancing act, I really recommend getting a copy of his book and putting it into practice. Your marriage will thank you.
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Filed under: Communication • Improve Your Marriage
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What do you say to woman that that owns three small business with her husband? We both work from home. But I am expected not only to run 2 of the businesses but to cook and clean, and take care of our 8 childern 3mo pregnant. He often says thing like “my money” “I am not buying that” and dosen’t let me make business decisions! At this point I could afford a live in Nanny and a housekeeper! But no, after i hurl in the morning I have to do operations for 2 businesses, and be done by 10:30 to clean after the tornado that hits my home eery night! He contributes, but im drowning in the meantime!!
Nakia-
I can only imagine how you must feel like you’re drowning.
Time for a dose of reality…
Your husband is treating you like property.
I’ve written a couple of articles on how to be a better wife, however they are sometimes taken out of context and I get a great deal of heat about them. The key is that you should be the best wife you can be, as long as your husband follows suit and starts acting like the husband he should be.
A marriage is a partership. That means that both the husband and wife should have a voice.
It sounds like your husband doesn’t respect or value your opinions, nor is he pulling his weight at home (9 kids!!!). I don’t know what part of the world you’re in, or if this is partially a cultural thing, but even in cases where the disparity is smaller, it can be a problem.
The book, Save the Marriage, talks quite a bit about working on the “we” in your marriage, and how to start changing your spouse’s mindset from one of selfishness to one of cooperation. I really recommend it.