Click here to discover more ways to stop divorce and try to recapture what you once had.
The honeymoon is over and suddenly life seems pretty dull. Gradually you and your partner have stopped communicating, and silly little things are starting to aggravate. Before you know it the word ‘divorce’ is mentioned, and you’re left wondering how it all went wrong. If you want to stop divorce, then you must consider the possibility that the problems are on both sides of your relationship.
It’s easy to go along thinking that your partner is the one to blame for all your differences. The fact is that often what you do causes a reaction from your partner, which ultimately leads to grievances. These grievances are often left unsaid, and that is the start of the decline of any marriage.
Respecting one another is an all important part of any marriage. Respecting your partner’s opinion, his/her right to disagree on certain issues and his/her necessity for a certain amount of space in the relationship.
Most disagreements can be overcome by discussion. If you find it impossible to agree then compromise – it’s no big deal.
Supporting each other through trials and tribulations helps to build a bond. Sometimes it’s best to keep your opinions to yourself and just support the other in times of stress. If you really love someone it’s not that difficult to do.
Sharing decisions and responsibilities rather than one carrying all the burdens will help to retain mutual respect for each other.
If something is not working, then set about changing things. Change is exciting and can refresh a stale relationship. No-one is beyond changing their appearance, attitude, goals or desires. If your partner is unhappy with the way your lives are going, change could be the answer, and could totally revitalize your marriage.
Remember, any relationship is hard work. You have to be prepared to put everything you can into it, and back down now and then in order to keep things going. You’re not being defeatist, you’re being clever. You’re using your common sense and weighing up which is more important, being right and losing, or backing down and keeping happiness intact.
In a way divorce is an easy way out. In some cases it’s a case of not bothering to try and restore a marriage. This is not always the case, but divorce is final and you should be very sure before you go down that road that there isn’t a way to resolve your problems.
There are always exceptions of course, for instance violence in a marriage should never be tolerated. In many cases though, divorce can be avoided and solutions found.
Try to remember how you felt about each other when you first got together. Try to bring back some of the ‘magic’ that was there then. A romantic meal or a walk along the beach. Anything that can help you to recall what you once had together. It’s probably still there, but has been buried under the stresses and strains of everyday life.
Click here to discover more ways to stop divorce and try to recapture what you once had.
Tagged with: divorce • how to save a marriage • save marriage • stop divorce
Filed under: how to save a marriage • save marriage • Stop Divorce
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I feel that my wife lives by double standards. She wants a divorce in our case. She has male friends that she confides in. One that she used to date back in highschool and one that she told she’s always been in love with. Yet she tells me that they don’t want her and nothings going on. Yet she tells one about how horrible of a husband I am all the time and the other flings sexual inuidos her way occationally. She even has another guy she talks to that calls her sexy and gorgeous all the time and tells her that he loves her. Yet…if I call one of my friends sexy or gorgeous…then I’m trying to get with them….of course I’m guilty of snooping and so is she. But when I explain that the things she is finding isn’t what they appear to be and to ask the other party….she won’t do it. But when I want to talk to her “friends” she tells them and they don’t want to talk to me. This is a cycle. No matter if I catch her in something or she “catches” me in something….I’m always the one to apologize and she is the one always threatening to leavee wherein I’m always trying to find solutions to save us. We were separated for for 4 months this year…got back togather in july…now she’s talking divorce again. I’m lost.
@vernon-
There’s a pretty high probability that she’s either having or has had either an emotional affair or a physical affair with one of these guys. I’m guessing also that you’re a classic “nice guy,” and she walks all over you?
Take a look at my post about the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” phenomenon and see if that sounds familiar.
Actually….that’s what it feels like….but she never says it….and if I mention it….she denies it. Sometimes I think she feels I’m stupid.
@Vernon,
Cheaters have a script (without realizing it).
Denial (when confronted) – “It’s not what you think.” or “We’re just friends.” etc.
Anger (when evidence is presented) – “How dare you snoop on me!” or “I can’t believe you’d violate my trust like that (keylogger)!” etc.
Deflection (once the evidence is fully out) – “I wouldn’t have cheated if you’d ______.” or “If you hadn’t _________, I wouldn’t have been out looking.” etc.
Crocodile tears (once they realize the above isn’t working).
True remorse.
Obviously, some cheaters skip some or all of these. There are some, for example, who are never remorseful. Others realize the mistake they’ve made and approach their spouse directly with remorse from the beginning. It just depends on the person.
Unfortunately, the betrayed spouse frequently follows a script, too. The first part of that script is something like, “she’d never do that.”
I really hope for your sake I’m wrong.
Just took an online assessment of our relationship……I scored overall 61….she scored 34…on the section “love for your partner” I scored 78….she scored 31….this really hurts.
What exactly is an emotional affair? I don’t think she has had a physical one….though I’m not ruling it out. But I believe maybe an emotional one.
An emotional affair is a non-physical affair.
The wayward spouse, through texts, emails, phone calls, Facebook, etc, actively flirts and starts forming an emotional connection with someone other than their spouse.
This leads to all of the endorphin-laced feelings associated with “falling in love,” which unfortunately makes the marriage pale in comparison. Once the “good” feelings start, they’ll often do whatever it takes to hold on to them. They will also often escalate the affair, so they can get more of the “goods.”
I’m in a situation where my husband is having a full-on affair and wants out with a divorce.
We only got married in June 2011, however I have hereditary depression (major depressive disorder) and I had to make some adjustments in my medications. In December, I had a major relapse in my depression when my psychiatrist took me off of one medication cold turkey and put me on a new one, but titrated my dose very slowly due to known side effects. He became very upset because I would turn him down for sex, and we both have agreed in hind-sight that I should have gone into a hospital when I first started on the medication because I ended up isolating myself when I went on a leave-of-absence from work and going deeper into depression.
He began venting to a female friend he had recently gotten back into contact with about his feelings, and I found out later that she had been having a crush on him for several years (they were old co-workers). We have been together for almost 6 years total, and we have a daughter who is almost 3 years old. She had been telling me that she was pushing him to stay with me, that we needed marriage counseling, and that we needed to be sure that our daughter was also taken care of during this time. Not 2 days after her last e-mail to me with information like this, he lied to me about where he was spending the night and went to her house to get a break away from me. He confided to me the next day where he had really been, but lied to me about if they had been intimate or not (they had). Four days later, he spent the night again with her, yet somehow didn’t think I would connect the dots.
Also, the affair began when I finally was reaching my recovery phase in my relapse. I had already been doing so much better, cleaning the house, laundry, dishes, and everything else that I had stopped doing during my relapse. He didn’t believe that I was feeling better, and when I asked him what he thought was going on because I had been doing more around the house, he believed that I was just tired of him yelling at me to do something. I had already told him many times prior to the affair starting that I was feeling better, that my sex drive was coming back, and everything else, but it didn’t stop anything.
Now, he says he really likes her (although I know it is just lust) and wants to be with her instead of me. He says he will not end his relationship with her. They have only been seeing each other a little over a month now, yet he wants to end our almost 6 year relationship where we have a child together to be with her although he barely knows her.
I purchased the e-book “Save the Marriage” and I sent the file where Dr. Baucom is discussing how to mend your marriage after an affair to my husband, but it doesn’t matter to him.
I really want to make things work with him. He is holding things against me from when I was not in a stable state of mind, yet I remember when I got pregnant he went off the deep-end emotionally and I forgave him for hurting me back then. He says he’s just tired of it all, and it just makes me so mad because I was finally at a point where I wanted to work on our marriage problems when he lost hope in me. But what’s sad is that the affair started only 45 days from the point my relapse started.
Any pointers you could give would be appreciated, but I almost think this is a lost cause because I can’t force him to want to work with me and become a family again (although I know we’ll always be family because we share a daughter together). I came from parents who divorced when I was in middle school, and I really wanted to be in a marriage that stayed together and involved spouses who supported one another during the hard times. I wanted my daughter to grow up with both of her parents married together to give her the best opportunities in life and not have to divide her life into two halves that existed simultaneously to be with both parents.
Again, any advice is appreciated. I just hope that we can somehow work this out.
@Renee,
You’re in a tough position, that’s for sure.
Men tend to cheat because they feel like they’ve lost the emotional connection and don’t feel respected by their wives. Their primary reasons are remarkably similar to those of women who cheat.
He’s pretty deep in the “affair fog.”
An affair is based on fantasy, and when someone is in the fog, they tend to overemphasize the negatives in their marriage – it makes it easier to self-justify their actions. The reality is that affairs are based on fantasy and lies, and fewer than 2% of them last.
That alone doesn’t help you, but understand that you’re not really fighting the relationship with the other woman, you’re fighting against the fantasy.
So…
You should start focusing on you. Go to the gym. Go out with friends.
Don’t obsess on him. Don’t say, “I love you.” Don’t buy gifts. Don’t ask for reassurances.
Do things with your kids (just you and the kids). Wear nicer clothes. Get your hair cut. Etc.
When you interact with him, your conversations should be brief and to the point. Try to stay upbeat around him and don’t get pulled into any arguments.
Don’t be needy or desperate even though you’re feeling VERY desperate and needy.
Your overall attitude should be, “something is going right in my world” even though it isn’t.
You should be cheerful and upbeat, and your actions should say that you’re OK with moving on with your life.
You won’t be doing any of that for him. You’ll be doing it so that if he doesn’t end the affair, you’ll have started the healing process.
The side benefit is that often the betraying spouse will be pulled back by these behaviors. Not always, though.
You can’t make the choice for him. *He* must make it. You also can’t “nice” him back. Any nice behaviors will be seen as manipulative.
IF he ends the affair, you can begin moving forward with rebuilding your relationship.
-Mary
P.S. You’ll also likely see quite a bit of indescision on his part. That’s normal, and if you see it, it could be a good sign. Don’t change your actions, however, unless he ENDS the affair.
@Mary
Well, my husband has right out asked me for a divorce, and is going to be moving into his girlfriend’s house this weekend. This week has been hellish because I have been having to work late shifts for work, and so he has been picking up our almost 3 yr old daughter from daycare and sleeping here in my bed with our daughter so that they can have time together. I have been sleeping on the couch.
We had previously had where he moved into a friend’s house for a week so that he could do some soul searching, and when he came to discuss his decisions with me I had told him at that time that if he didn’t end his relationship then it would mean that we would need to get divorced because I need to set an example for our daughter that it is not okay for a husband do cheat on their wives and then get away with it. However, I told him that if he chose to end the relationship then I would be more than happy to go through what we needed to do to mend our marriage yet he would also need to do his part.
His response at that point was “Well, then it looks like we’re getting divorced.” I had kind of questioned myself recently and wasn’t sure if that was where he was wanting to go with our discussion for that night, but tonight after putting our daughter to bed, I decided to ask him about if I had not said that to begin with if he was going to ask me for a divorce, and he said yes.
So it looks like I have no choice but to do this. I can’t make him change his mind. However, I know when he moves in with his girlfriend that things will change for them as it won’t be the seeing each other a couple times per week or even a week in-between visits. I know that I have read where this can be a positive thing, where they reach the part where the fantasy ends and reality hits. They will start to argue, especially since she has a 3 year old son herself. I have asked for him to not take our daughter to her house for now as I am still trying to keep her calm and normal throughout this situation.
So, I feel now like I have no other choice but to start the divorce process… and that really hurts me. I don’t know… I’m so confused right now. I had already started on working on myself. I did get my hair cut. Hell, I even went out and got new slightly intimate piercings (nipple) because I had been thinking for years about getting them. I feel so lonely and scared right now. But perhaps I was thinking an impossible dream.
Renee
@Renee,
Right now it feels like you have to act. I agree that there’s nothing wrong with talking with an attorney and getting the paperwork. In fact, I recommend it as your next step. You should file something to freeze assets in order to protect yourself, but that will be less than the actual divorce paperwork.
Just remember that you only need to actually file when/if you’re ready to.
If he files, obviously, you’re dealing with a different situation.
So…
#1. You aren’t alone – no matter what it feels like. MANY people you know have gone through the exact same thing. Sad, but true.
#2. Keep focusing on YOU. It will help your chances, and will help your recovery if he sticks to the path he’s on.
I read a lot of books about troubled relationships. You should see my bookshelves!
If your library has it, see if you can get a copy of After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful by Janis Spring. That link is for Amazon – it’s an older book so it might be hard to find locally if your library doesn’t have it.
The whole book was written for people who are exactly in your place. She explains why. She explains where the different paths lead based on choices you and he have made or will make. She even explains how to rebuild trust in this or future relationships.
Mostly, just know that you’re not alone. I’m sure others will chime in as well when they read your comment.
-M