Some women are lucky enough never to have to ask the question, “how do I know if my husband still loves me?” However, there are many men who find it difficult to express their feelings in words and this can lead to his partner feeling unsure of his love for her.
As time goes by in a marriage, a man often doesn’t think it necessary to tell his wife how much he loves her. This doesn’t necessarily mean he’s lost interest, it’s just that men think it unnecessary to keep reassuring their spouse how much they mean to them.
Women generally are far more outgoing in expressing themselves and can’t understand why men aren’t the same, but men are generally far more reserved.
By taking care of his family and providing for them, a man is showing his love for them in the best way he can. He may not necessarily always say what you want to hear, but he will show it in the things he does for you and the children and in little gestures of affection.
If he still wants to be with you and do things together then he obviously still has the love for you or he would make excuses and not be around so much.
If you feel you’re losing his affection then try to understand what’s causing him to be distracted and do something about it. He may be preoccupied with problems at work, in which case it helps to have someone to talk it over with.
Don’t forget to greet him when he comes home with enthusiasm and a smile. How nice to open the door to a warm welcome rather than a tired and grumpy one. If you want to keep your husband’s love you have to make the home a haven at the end of the day for both of you. A happy atmosphere makes so much difference to your soul, and helps you to overcome so many things in life.
Love grows and deepens when you share things together and respect each other’s need for space. Marriage doesn’t mean you have to be in each other’s pockets all the time. Different activities and interests keep a marriage alive and make it grow.
Realizing when your husband is worried or unhappy means you care about him, and the same applies in reverse. If your husband doesn’t see when you’re unwell or feeling tired, then something is missing in your relationship and it’s time to rectify it.
Don’t take him for granted, but don’t become part of the furniture in his life either. Love has to be fed or it will die and if you are endeavouring to keep the marriage harmonious then his love will continue to thrive. You will see this in the way he looks at you, and in the things he does for you.
Unfortunately, when it starts feeling like your husband is distant, it can be hard to find ways to connect. What makes it worse is when you start questioning your own feelings towards him, too. How do you know if he still loves you? Sometimes you have to take your relationship back to its beginnings. Begin working on rebuilding a friendship and the love will soon blossom again.
In the book, Save the Marriage, Dr. Baucom talks about exactly these things. He gives some great advice on what to do to start rebuilding your marriage from its foundations without doing anything that could cause the rifts in your marriage to grow. If you feel like things just keep getting worse, I highly recommend this book as a way for you to start finding traction.
At likely less than the cost of a single session with a marriage counselor, this book can replace months of sessions. He also sends a quick-start-guide so you can hit the ground running, as well as guides that will teach you how to “fight” the right way and a guide of the things not to do. With all he includes, it’s really a bargain.
I’ve looked at dozens of resources, and Dr. Baucom’s is the only one I recommend. Click here for more information…
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This had to writen by a man, and probley one thats been divorced a couple of time with more to come…Its not always how we should act as they come through the door. It is also his depth of his understanding on what you have gone through that day. As far as kids or what not. My job at home is far more stress full than his, soo sorry buddy there are going to be days i dont have a fake smile on my face. Further more knowing our children he should understand that. I bet if he had my job, held would of done put a bullet in his head. So I ask this why the hell should us as women have a damn smile on our faces when you come through the door? If you guys ever have a bad day I dont see a smile on his face. Oh our we always the ones to take the high road and be the bigger person? This whole post is BS and was writen by a man thathas no idea atf he is taken about.
@OMG-
Most of my articles have to do with joint relationship issues. In this one, I tried to show that as women there are things we can do to build our husbands up.
Obviously your needs weren’t met. However I’d have to guess that your husband’s weren’t either.
Primarily men need to feel respected. Exactly how you choose to show that respect is up to you. These are simply suggestions.
I agree with OMG. It takes two to make a home a “haven”, not just one. When a man walks through the door, he’s not the only one with needs. If he really loved her he wouldn’t expect her to put up a false front for him. Love is about being real all of the time and both people cherishing it. If someone in the relationship is thinking about leaving, then they should follow their heart unless they still want to work to find a solution with their partner. Otherwise, I must say that some relationships just aren’t meant to last. It was what we needed at the time to grow, but not forever. Sometimes moving on is the best way to grow.
I agree with OMG. Why is it always the womans responsibility to “save the marriage”. I believe it takes two to be successful in a marriage. Just because he has issues at work, doesn’t give him the right to tune out at home. I think men have been given too many excuses for being emotionally aloof.
My man use to greet me and made my day spec but now the kids get greeted then he goes out side for a drink. What should I do ?!
I liked this article.. I have been a stay at home mom for 3 yrs & recently started workin but I also have 3 kids at home & they can be a handful sometimes but when my husband comes home in the afternoon I do greet him at the door with a smile & a kiss just because I love him & I want to make him happy.
OMG may have a point, but the attitude will definitely not help out her marriage. I get a similar attitude from my wife and it just helps to drive a bigger wedge. If your trying to get in his head to find out where he is and how he may be thinking, I suggest you take notes because hes dead on center. I think that perhaps the reality of what the author is saying, possibly bearing a resemblance to how your husbands is acting is rather scary to you. I noticed how your anger intensified as the comment progressed. Ladies if want to help your marriage get a mans point of view because we don’t get yall and you ladies surely don’t get is. ALL WE WANT IS TO FEEL RESPECTED PERIOD!
Why is it that a man has to go through the whole romancing, sending you flowers and cards in front of your friends and family. Always searching your heart for how you truely feel. Weve had to study yall but most women refuse to learn just what a man wants. And sex does fall into this category believe it or not.
@rather not say
Absolutely.
For most men, the need to feel respected by their wives is a primary drive. Unfortunately, when there are problems in a marriage, often this respect, or the outward display of it, is one of the first things to go.
Even more unfortunate is how popular culture reinforces the idea that men aren’t worth respect. Just watch any handful of commercials. The husband is bumbling, the wife is the one who has everything figured out. Same on sitcoms.
I’ll say it again more clearly for the doubters: respect your husband, and he’ll give you the love you need.
(The primary drive for us women is the need to feel loved.)
Been married over 20 yrs and to be honest I have done these things…. I have tried and tried so many things and he still doesn’t get it. He’s asked what I want and I’ve tried every way I can think of (word pictures, basic words, detail explanation, played out his wants, etc). He may try for a day or two and then it’s back to the same old way. I even started keeping a calendar to show him how often we have sex and then how often I get a kiss or hug since there is usually no foreplay….still he seems to not care. I’m lonely… We have both cheated in our past, mine over 16 yrs ago, his over 12 yrs ago and I don’t want to go back that way for sure! What next? I made it a point to even point out the good things he does… If I’m upset or quiet I tend to keep my mouth shut just to keep the house a safe haven but I’m the one suffering.
@Tried and tried
It sounds like your husband is very selfish.
Was there ever a time when you really felt loved by him? If not, he just might not have the emotional makeup to give you what you need.
On the other hand, if you, like so many other marriages, had a period where everything was good, it’s very possible to get back to that place.
It will take work – you’ll need to take the first step, but he’ll have to work some, too.
If this sounds like an impossible hurdle, relax. The book I mention over and over on this site, Save the Marriage, gives a step-by-step roadmap for restoring the relationship you’ve lost and might think is gone for good. It even explains how to encourage a reluctant spouse through the steps they need to take.
Here’s the first step you need to take: click here…
I went through a huge problem yesterday with my husbands best friend. My husband had left to work and his friend came over screaming at me and raised his hand at me, just because my husband and I dont answer his phone calls. So last night I mentioned it to my husband and he got angry for what happened so ge went over to his friends house to talk with him but he denied everything. Now him and my husband aint no longer friends. I feel bad he had to loose his friend like this but I wasnt gonna stay quiet either. Now idk if my husband hates me or tells me he loves me just to say he does so he won’t hurt my feelings. I love my marriage and I dont want nobody to stand in the way no way!..
@Ashley-
It’s great that your husband defended you – even at the loss of his best friend.
Sounds like he did the right thing, and you’re feeling guilty because you feel like the cause. If his friend is abusive, he’s no friend to have. Sounds like a positive step.
Stop beating yourself up over this.
Wow! Well I have to say….in my case…being a man….its always been up to ME to save my marriage in the three years we have been married and I’m doing it yet again! Yes we men need respect and we need to feel this just as women need to feel loved. And the love and respect should be equaly supplied!
I agree with Vernon, I feel it is very important to show respect for your husband. But at the same time I feel men should work just as hard or be as concious of fullfilling our emotional needs. Each man and woman have different needs, communicating those early in the relationship is crutial. Communication is very hard to establish. I’ve found that going through the process of establishing that with your spouse, will allow you the tools to do so with others in your life. For example, children (teenagers), family, friends, co-workers, etc.
My husband and I have been together 10 yrs now. We’ve always had an amazing relationship. But, this Spring his flirting w someone at the gym went too far, and it sent him in a tail spin of porn viewing and depression…which of course hurt my feelings…but, anytime I am feeling sad and need to talk he gets anxiety, panics, brain turns off and he won’t/can’t talk to me…which is especially hard because we have always had a VERY. communicative relationship. Truly best friends, talking about everything. Now, we can talk about nothing serious. I have had no proper allowed grieving time for his offenses to our marriage union this Spring…I kept waiting until a calm, to try again to talk, but the instant I start to talk, his body language, or lack of saying anything tells me over and over I’m no longer important to him. I told him I feel like he’s sick of me, and that he no longer wants to take care of me…to which he said, he doesn’t think he CAN anymore. Where’s that leave me???? When asked if he wants a divorce the answer is no he’s not done working on this….but all I can see is stagnant…just being…no trying. I feel desperately alone…truly have lost my very best friend and marriage this yr. how can he say he loves me and wants to keep trying, but totally ignore me when I am crying and in emotional pain???
@Cherry,
It sounds like he’s not truly remorseful. If he’s not, your marriage will likely never get better than it is right now.
Your husband has to do ALL of the heavy lifting in order to recover from an affair (even just an emotional affair).
Has he completely cut off all contact with the other woman? Has he been 100% transparent with his cell phone/computer/email/Facebook/etc?
He also has to come 100% clean about everything he did. If he’s only giving you parts of the facts, the wall between you will remain. How can you forgive him without knowing the true extent of his actions? How can he accept your forgiveness knowing he’s holding something back. He may be detached when you’re hurting due to guilt.
Even if he’s done all of the above, you will feel the pain of this for years. When a trigger causes it to well up, he must give you emotional support (that’s part of the heavy lifting). He might be tired of hearing about it, but it’s his responsibility to give you that support.
@cherry
I’m in the same boat as you. My husband had an affair this past fall. I’m dying. I’ve regonized my faults in the marriage and quickly made changes but…he’s not. He says he loves me but than gets feelings that creep up that make him feel unsure. At a loss…..
@heart broken,
He may be still emotionally connected with the other woman. There’s even a chance that he’s still in contact with her.
I have a free report that details lots of the warning signs – you can find it on the upper right on any page.
He should be VERY remorseful and be the one doing ALL of the heavy lifting.
@Cherry,
Actually I have a slightly different view on your situation. While others have mentioned he seems like he’s not remorseful, I’d like to offer the possibility that maybe his guilt is so strong, he doesnt feel like he can deal with it. 2 years ago my husband and I were downtown and he got obliterated drunk. I caught him making out with another woman. He was so drunk he didnt even realize what was happening. We went through the same thing you’re going through. He was watching a lot of porn, our sex life suffered, and anytime I brought it up he got defensive and angry. It took a long time but finally he broke down and said that he just couldn’t believe he would do that to me and he didnt know how to handle it. His guilt was so overpowering he turned into a big jerk, instead of handling the issue. He had a hard time talking because he didnt want to see my disappointment in him. He had a hard time being intimate with me, because he felt he had let me down and didnt deserve sex with me. He became depressed. We’ve worked through it and have an amazing relationship now. Perhaps a way to get him to listen to your feelings on the matter, is to ask him how he feels about it. Ask him what he thinks should happen and how he is feeling. Remind him that you love him and you want to work through this, not punish him. And then listen.
@OMG
I see a lot of women wanting more affection and effort on their husbands part, but are not willing to give the effort back. Why is smiling at your husband and greeting him when he comes home giving him a “fake smile.” So because you’ve had a bad day, you cant show happiness to see your husband? Being chronically ill, I have a LOT of crappy, very difficult days. But that does not mean I’m faking it when I greet my husband. I am happy to see him. Affection towards your spouse should not be dependent on how your day went. Make the time for each other, even when life is hard.
I also feel the attitude that your problems at home, with your children are more difficult than anything your husband goes through during his day, is detrimental. That type of self-centered attitude will hurt any relationship, not just marriages. Your struggles are different than his. Some days he will have had the worse day, other days you will. Its dangerous to go around thinking you have it worse than the people around you. Its a big pity party and will leave you bitter and your spouse unappreciated. Most husbands who have the job of being the financial providers, take the responsibility of caring for their families very deeply. Sometimes the pressure is undeniably horrible! That pressure will only get worse if his wife doesn’t even appreciate his work or thinks he has it so much easier than her. If he doesn’t feel he’s making his family happy, or doing a good job, he will feel guilty. Guilt is torturous.
I think you should attempt to get out of your own struggles and your own day, and recognize its not all about you. Maybe if you take the time to be interested in your husband and appreciate his struggles, he will return the favor. Obviously that is not something you feel the need to do.
@Megan
Very insightful reply. That is certainly a possibility, too.
Unresolved guilt can have a powerful effect on a person and a marriage.
Thanks for chiming in!
Okaii so my supppsably husband was very fun and romantic with me when we were just going out. I then came out pregnant n everything came out being hell he cheated on me not only once but with several women I suffered very much he would even deny the baby was his. Its been about 2 years from.that and know I have no trust for him. Everytime we get into arguments he makes me feel like s**t sayn he regrets me and tells me he doesnt even love me and he never will. But when it comes to me kicking him out he says he didnt mean it he was just angry but I dont say things like that to him when im angry. He doesnt even hug me bother saying I love you or say I look nice he never takes me out either. Its like im a bother he always argues with me but then his friends come over n hes happy with them I cant even go out with my friends…..any advice im getting tired
Everything that Ive read here so far is saying that if you dont give your husband respect ALL THE TIME then your husband will lose his love for you. I agree with OMG as well. Why should wives have to bow down to there spouse and put a front up for them? It doesnt always work. I do that all the time for my husband and it seems like the more I put on this “face the more he treats me like crap. He expects everything to go his way. Its like when I do this he thinks being an ass to me is the way it should go because I should take it. Living with someone whom doesnt respect you in the least isnt fair. I cant understand how this would help when I’ve seen so many married women that do this and get treated like a slave or like trash. They get called names, told when to do things, what to wear and where to go. And if you dont respect every little wish then your a bitch and you have no respect. The reason I’m even commenting is because there has got to be alternative solutions besides being a complete suck up.
At Lonely91… I’m in the same boat have been for 15 years… Got married because I found out I was pregnant. We were in that giddy kind of love at the time. Then a very short time after baby came all went south. He had an affair we worked thru it ( I guess) and I have never really felt loved or cherish by him. Also he does the same thing in arguments I truely believe he resents me for it. We have 3 kids now and still going thru the vicious cycle. But it was our mistake and were just simply paying for it. Don’t get me wrong none of my children are mistakes but having pre marital sex was. OMG I totally agree with. Bottom line on all of is this in the beginning of every relationship it’s all about the wooing men do whatever they can to get a girl to look their way and the girl does….. If men would just get that thru their one track mind they will have all the sex and respect they want. But you have to respect the woman first. That’s just how it’s set up man to lay his life down for a woman. Women in order to open up need to feel safe and valued.
To lonley91,I am so sorry to hear that even i dont know you. But if you’re really doing everything you wrote, and he doesn’t don’t give up!! no, trrrrrrrry many ways. Don’t show him that he has done cheating on you, which maybe gives him a depression that you discover his game. other thing maybe it is better, try to come close to his friends. After that look who is the most one effect on him, and ask his friend if he or she can advice him ( don’t let his friend tell him that you ask for help, it will make him angry). Also, Small Gift with a kiss are giving more love even he doesn’t accept that. In short, try your best, show him our love and if you do easy things don’t think you do everything, which maybe makes you more upset and it’ll effect on your heath in your future. Be POSITIVE
I wish all the best….
I have been with my husband for 18 years. For 10 years of this time we were dating and living together and the other 8 has been married. We have a 4 year old son who is Autistic and have been through a lot of stress during our relationship because of my health and now my son’s needs. I am now pregnant and due to deliver in a week and now my husband has hit me with the fact he is no longer in love with me. He said he is tired of going around in circles and I tried to explain to him that marriage takes a lot of work and we will go through these ups and downs but he does not believe me and said he is tired of this and is refusing to work on our marriage. I am at the point I don’t know what else to do to get him to wake up. He tells me he loves me enough to end it. But I can’t believe that because if he loved me he would want to work on our marriage.
@Jennifer,
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this at a time when you really need stability and support.
If you haven’t yet, I strongly suggest reading my article about the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” statement. Also, sign up for my free report on that same page. I don’t want to seem alarmist, but there are some pretty strong signals in what you said.
hi…ive been married for one and a half years nw,he works abroad…im wd my parents completing studies..im pregnant and my husband is d happiest in ds matter.but off lately i feel he doesnt get the time to call me…he has to try alot to find and make time to talk to me, it was not like this earlier, he says its work and sometimes he says its becoz he has a large frends circle nw..so hes busy helping hs frends etc…i cant believe dat hw can ds man whu called me evrytime hav such a diificulty in calling me now..hhe even doesnt have a clear answer to y he is unable nw..hes seen as d best and most faithful guy by d society i live in..bt im geeting the jitters..pls advice!!!
I have to agree with the writer’s point of view and OMG’s side.My husband hurt me physically last Saturday afternoon.I did slam my phone (which he gave me last yr) on the desk coz I was upset with adding funds on my acct online he saw what I did so he came to me grabbed my arms so tight where it hurts and yelled at me.I was shock coz didn’t expect him to do that since were not fighting
and then tears fell down on my cheeks.Instead of saying sorry he blame me,he said it pisses him off when I slam things in his house and if I dont want my phone he wants it back 
so I gave it to him but I told him what I did doesnt give him the right to hurt me physically all he say is I know I know and continue blaming me for what happened.Its the 2nd time he did this to me,the first one was last yr pushed me on a corner and grabbed my arms 
i dunno what to do.
Asiangal,
You didn’t say how long you’ve been together, but physical abuse only gets worse if it’s not addressed.
Obviously time has passed, so neither of you are in the heat of the moment. You should establish some very clear boundaries.
The boundaries script goes like this:
“When you ___________, it makes me feel _____________. If it happens again, {consequence}.”
Detail exactly what he did. Tell him how it made you feel. Explain specifically what will happen if the action occurs again.
For you, it might be something like this:
“When you grab me like you did last Saturday, it makes me feel scared and unloved. If it happens again, I’ll be forced to leave for a few hours to defuse the situation.”
If things get worse, the consequences will have to become more severe.
You deserve to be loved, not hurt and scared.
Violence isn’t part of a “normal” marriage, and is outside the scope of this article.
My husband and I have been together for 18 years. We have 2 beautiful daughters who we both adore. I lost my job last year and we are struggling significantly financially. I have started a business as a consultant and it has great potential. I have suggested getting a job at night until my business begins to thrive but he doesn’t feel it is a good idea, then throws it back at me saying I am not pulling my weight. I am also a stay at home mom and I do everything for the home and kids, literally. He does work hard and long days but still manages to get more sleep and spend time with his friends- luxuries I don’t have, unless I take the girls with me.
My husband has always delt with bouts of depression and he self medicates with alcohol. I have tried, and still doing all I can to make him happy, but he always finds something wrong. I am torn because I truly feel that I will never be able to make him happy. Right now, I stay married because I don’t want my girls to come from a broken home and I don’t have the resources to leave. I will try, I do love him, but he is not happy on a deeper level. He loves me, but I walk on egg shells around him. If I stay, I live the rest of my life being and doing wrong in his eyes.
When is it ok for me to have a partner who appreciates and respects me?
I accept I’ve not been easy to live with, I have depression/anxiety/low self esteem the last few months for which I am seeking treatment. My husband doesn’t understand it, it’s beyond his realm of experience and he first reacted by not wanting to talk about it although I needed his support. I printed off some info on the subject from a mental health charity to help explain it to him and for a while things seemed better, we talked about it.
This Saturday night he came home after a few drinks and let rip at me. He says I’m up my own arse, selfish, just like my mother (who has had depression for years, something he knows I fear for myself), and although he still loves me he doesn’t like me, he also said the nice things he had said to me were just lies to make me feel better. He was very aggressive walking at me until I was up against the wall telling me to hit him, but I didn’t want to I’m not angry just really sad and scared. I don’t really feel anger, I’m a very passive person and that seems to annoy him. I seem to annoy him by everything I say and do.
I spent the next day in bed ashaking tearful wreck, the progress I was making with the depression has just melted away – my self-esteem feels at its lowest ebb, like someone kicked my legs from under me. He has been quiet as a mouse since this but hasn’t apologised. I don’t feel I can or indeed should talk to him in case I annoy him further, I don’t trust him any more.
We have a teenager and he is my reason for trying to go on, I want to keep our family together but I’m very unsure as to what I should do.
@Torn,
Sometimes it’s hard for me to see through the words that someone leaves to get in idea of what’s going on in their marriage. From what you’ve said, it looks like you’ve had issues for a long time, and they’ve gotten worse since you lost your job.
You didn’t say much about the dynamics in your marriage, but I also get the feeling that you have self-esteem issues and that he can be somewhat controlling. Am I close?
Regardless of the specifics, you should work on you. If you were in your husband’s shoes, shat parts of you would you like to see changed? You can only change yourself. He’ll either have to follow suit or get left behind.
Dr. Baucom gives quite a bit of specific advice on things to try in his book – . I really recommend it for those who are looking for advice on what steps to take to rebuild love in their marriage.
@anxious-
You need to find ways to start rebuilding the friendship between you and your husband. If your only interactions are stressed banter, of course there’s going to be conflict all the time.
It sounds like he’s been holding onto his resentment and it overflowed.
I’m in the middle of writing an article on this very subject. I believe that it’s of far greater importance to a marriage to build and maintain friendship with your spouse than it is to try to hold onto love only. Popular culture says that love can overcome anything. However, you’re certainly seeing that this isn’t always the case.
Start treating him as you would a dear friend, and I bet he’ll start doing the same. THAT’s the key to moving past where you are.
Let us know how things work out for you!
-M
@Mary
Thanks for your thoughts. I’ve had my initial talk therapy session today so I’m in a much better frame of mind since I last posted.
We’ve been together 18 years and I would say that the underlying strength of our relationship is that we have always been friends above all else. I would agree that friendship is important in a marriage, and have never been bothered myself about romantic ideals. This is why it really worried me when he said he loved me but didn’t like me, I felt like I’d lost his friendship. He has apologised now btw, but I do wonder if this is how he really feels about me/or was it the drink talking.
My therapist advised me to separate his behaviour from mine, that I’m not responsible for how he reacts to my depression/anxiety and that he is responsible for his own behaviour (including drinking). I think he wants to support me but for some reason he can’t seem to work out how, I actually think he’s angry with himself over that as much as with me. He is very contrite at the moment.
Hopefully as my therapy progresses my confidence/self-esteem will increase and the communication between us will improve. I’ll post back in a few months to let you know.