First, take a deep breath.

The place you’re at is one of the toughest to be in during a marriage. You are angry. You are hurt. You feel betrayed. You know that something has to change.

You are absolutely right. Something does have to change.

Either you (or you and your spouse) have to work to rebuild the trust in your relationship, or you need to take decisive action to end the marriage. As painful as it is, those are the only two real options. Sure, some think that they can simply forgive and forget, but with a wound this deep, that’s just not realistic. Infidelity is way too big of a problem to ignore or simply sweep under a rug. It will not go away on its own.

If you want to save your marriage, it can be done. Plenty of marriages have survived an affair. However, it will take work from both of you, and as I said, it will be painful. The first step might be the most difficult and painful of all.

Your spouse has to remove himself/herself from the “affair environment.”

If they’ve been cheating with a co-worker, they have to quit their job and find another. If they’ve been cheating with a neighbor, you sell the house and move. If the “other woman” (or man) is someone at church, you change churches. If the other party won’t let go, you might even have to pick up and move to another town.

Does that sound drastic? Of course it is. However, this should be 100% non-negotiable.

“I’m sorry” is very important to hear. However, it will be impossible for you to rebuild trust while your spouse is in the same environment — sharing the environment with the other person. It really doesn’t matter how vocal they are with their apologies. If your spouse wants to save your marriage, they have to put you first. You have to be the most important thing in their life.

You.

Not your kids. Not his work. Not her church. Not your house.

It takes a great deal of backbone to give your spouse this kind of an ultimatum when you want more than anything to salvage your marriage, but it really is the only way things will get better.

Your spouse will likely give you excuses. “I’ve invested too much time in this job.” “This is our dream home.” “I’d hate to make the kids change schools.” “But this is our church!”

What they’re really saying is that they’d rather just tell you that the affair is over but they want to keep their options open.

They’ve already lied to you. It’s possible that the lies have gone on for years. Without a significant break, what are the chances that the lies will stop?

So if you’re willing to keep him/her after an affair, removal from the affair environment is step one.

Things won’t be easy from here, but they will be much more manageable with a good road map. I highly recommend the book Save the Marriage by Dr. Lee Baucom. Along with more advice on the first steps to take after discovering an affair, this book will give you a clear plan to follow to rebuild the trust and even the love that’s been missing in your marriage.

For likely less than the cost of one session with a marriage counselor, this book will give you the same guidance as months of sessions.

Since you’re dealing with an affair, the best parts are two extras Dr. Baucom includes. The first is a guide with the 5 things you should never do. These are the pitfalls that will make the situation worse, even though it might not seem like it. The second is a quick-start guide. It’s a short, easy read that will give you the clear steps you need to start taking today.

Probably most important, Dr. Baucom’s book will help show you that you’re not alone and that your marriage can be saved. He’s helped hundreds and hundreds of people just like you. Click here to find more information…

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