When is it OK to Snoop on Your Spouse?
I see this all the time.
One partner begins looking into their spouse’s behavior, and they are accused of being controlling or that they don’t trust their partner. Sometimes this might be true. There are other times when it’s not only OK to dig a bit, but it’s critical for the survival of your marriage.
How do you know when to dig and when to give your spouse space?
Personal privacy is important. It’s one of the biggest things we give up when we get married. While single, we can come and go as we please, talk to anyone we want, and even do just about whatever we want – and no one will really know about any of it.
Once you marry, however, you invite someone else into your private world. It’s really an issue of trust as well, you trust the other person enough to let them see the whole you. Some couples don’t even close the bathroom door – but that’s just a matter of courtesy to me.
Ideally a couple should openly allow full access to each other’s information. This should include computers, cell phones, phone bills, bank and credit card statements – really everything. If one spouse is keeping any of these things private, there could be a reason. On the other hand, if you both have an open-information policy between you, and you still have a need to “check up,” maybe it is you.
If you find yourself always wanting to dig without any real cause, perhaps you do have a bit of a controlling personality. Yes, trust is earned, but it also should be extended to a spouse – until they show that they can’t be trusted. If my partner was OK with me looking through his cell phone, he’d be understandably put off if I did that every day. It would seem a little flaky.
On the other hand, if your spouse has displayed any real signs of being untrustworthy, you have every right to look into their space. For example, if porn is a sore spot between you, and your husband’s behavior indicates he might be visiting “the wrong sites” on the internet, it’s perfectly acceptable to ask him to show you his web history. If he won’t or gets defensive and start hiding, again you have every right to start snooping.
The same holds true with improper contact with members of the opposite sex.
If your wife suddenly starts sending lots of texts and locking her cell phone, you’re allowed to ask what’s going on. If she’s not willing to be open and show you, you can and should dig.
There’s a big difference between being controlling and being caring.
When there’s anything going on with your spouse that makes you think that there could be anything inappropriate going on with another man/woman, any actions you take to protect your marriage are understandable and normal. It’s far easier on everyone involved when inappropriate contact is stopped at the flirting stage than if it were allowed to progress to an emotional attachment. It’s also far less destructive on a marriage when caught early.
There are lots of different warning signs that might be indicators that it’s time to do a little appropriate digging. I’ve put together a free report listing a bunch of them – as well as detailing the next steps to take if several of these signs are present. You can sign up for the report below. Remember, it’s far easier to ask forgiveness for suspecting based on warning signs than it is to recover from a full-blown affair.
Sometimes a little snooping is a healthy thing.