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Archive for 'save your marriage'

The Best Ways to Find Marriage Advice When You Are Feeling Stuck

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If you are having issues and arguments with your spouse you will want to find some good marriage advice. There are a number of sources for advice on marriage and keeping things going well. If you are close to your family and you have watched your parents or siblings enjoy a great marriage you can turn to them when you need advice. Most people do not seek advice until there is a problem to be addressed and you should be looking for advice on marriage before you even get married.

Many people think that they need to get married to be worthwhile in the public’s eyes without realizing that the real reason to get married is to spend the rest of your life with a person that you are truly in love with. In just about any other situation in life you can research online and make truly informed decisions, but with marriage you do not have any tried and true sources to go to. There are any number of so called marriage experts that you can go to for advice, but most of them address conflict and do not give you practical advice on getting started from day one in your marriage to build the best base for a life long partnership.

Truly understanding what you partner desires in life and how they communicate is a good way to start working on your marriage. Communicating without conflict and condescension is extremely important. Too many men feel that they know it all and do not look on marriage as a two way street and a cooperation of equal partners. Whether the man is the sole income provider or not makes no difference in the importance of each spouse’s role. There have been studies that show if you had to pay for the services provided for a stay at home mom she would need to pull down six figures just to pay for what she has to do every single day. This is a true case of outsourcing not being the way to go to reduce expenses. One only has to look at what it costs for daycare to see that it is important to make the stay at home spouse feel that they are appreciated.

The day to day stresses of finances, work problems and dealing with issues with the children can strain the marriage relationship to the breaking point especially if both spouses do not take the time to communicate everything that is going on and address the issues as they come up. The person bringing in the income may not realize that helping with the house hold chores is extremely important and that giving the stay at home spouse time away from the kids is key to keeping everyone sane.

If you are looking for good marriage advice you should start with a counselor recommended by someone you respect at your church. Another great place for advice is a person your respect who already has a good marriage and the time to speak with you about what is happening.

Finally, you can find great advice in marriage books. I highly recommend Save the Marriage. It’s helped hundreds of couples restore their marriages from the brink of disaster.

How To Save Your Marriage

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Click here to save your marriage…

Each year in America alone, nearly 1 million marriages end in divorce.This is an incredible number! That would be as if all the citizens of Houston Texas were divorced (each divorce leaves 2 people).

The question is how many of those marriages could be saved. Unfortunately, that is an invisible number. If your marriage stays together, it is hard to find in the statistics. As Marian Wright Edelman wrote, statistics are stories with the tears washed off.

Can your marriage be saved? If I could answer that, I would be a wealthy man. I can tell you that if your marriage is in trouble and you do nothing, the outcome is guaranteed. If you do something, there is a much better chance that your marriage will be saved.

And I can tell you, in four simple steps what you can do to save your marriage. You can start right now. But you must understand that I said “simple.” That is not the same as “easy.” These steps are not easy. They do, however, give you a path that you must follow if you want to change the destiny of a marriage in trouble.

Here are the 4 steps:

1) Quit the blame game. Stop blaming your spouse and stop blaming yourself. This is the first step because marriages get frozen into a pattern of blame that immobilizes any prospect of progress. Instead, the momentum gets dragged down and down.

Blame is our way of avoiding seeing ourselves clearly. It is much easier to point the finger somewhere and say “It’s their fault.” But in marriage, you can just as easily turn that pointing finger on yourself and place the blame there, saying “it’s all my fault.”

Unfortunately, blame feels good in the short-term, but in the long-term, it prevents any shift or change. So, even if you can make a long list of why you or your spouse should be blamed, forget it. Even if that list is factual, it will not help you put your marriage back together. Blame is the fuel of divorces.

2) Take responsibility. Decide you can do something. Change always begins with one person who wants to see a change. Understand that taking responsibility is not the same as taking the blame (see above).

Instead, blame is saying “regardless of who is at fault, there are some things I can do differently, and I am going to do them.” What buttons do you allow your spouse to push? What buttons do you push with your spouse? Decide not to allow those buttons to be pushed and stop pushing the buttons.

What amazes me in my counseling is that everyone knows what they should be doing or not doing. But it is difficult to move in that direction. Don’t be caught in that. Decide that you will take action.

The difference between blame and responsibility is this: if I am in a burning building, I can stand around trying to figure out who started the blaze, why it has spread so quickly, and who I am going to sue when it is over (blame), or I can get myself and anyone else I can out of that building (taking responsibility). When a marriage is in trouble, the house is on fire. How will you take action to save the marriage?

3) Get resources from experts. If others have been helped, you can be, too. Experts with a great deal more perspective and experience can be a real help in these situations. Do your research and divide the useless from the useful, then take advantage of the useful.

Don’t assume that your situation is so different from every other situation. I can tell you that after 20-some years of providing therapy, not too much new comes through my doors. Don’t get me wrong; the story changes, but the dynamics are the same.

Remember what Albert Einstein said, “The significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which we created them.” In other words, what got you into trouble will not get you out of trouble. That requires a whole new level of thinking. And that is what you get from an outside expert, someone with a fresh perspective.

4) Take action. More damage is done by doing nothing by taking a misstep. It is too easy to get paralyzed by the situation. Therapists often talk about “analysis paralysis.” This occurs when people get so caught up in their churning thoughts and attempts to “figure things out” that they never take action.

It is not enough to simply understand what is causing the problem. You must then act! On a daily basis, I find people coming to my office with the belief that if they can just understand their problem, it will resolve itself. That simply does not happen. Resolution of the situation takes action.

Will your marriage be saved? If you follow my suggestions, you have infinitely more opportunity for saving your marriage than if you do nothing. Marriage is one of those places where it takes two to make it work, but only one to really mess things up. You can only do your part, but many times, that is enough. Resolve not to ask the question but to begin to act.

Are you ready to take action? Grab the best-selling resource on the internet for saving marriages: Save The Marriage, Even If Only You Want It! You can find it HERE!

Save Your Marriage – Learn to Forgive

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Do you nurture hidden feelings of anger and resentment toward your spouse? Are you constantly suffering because you are reminded of the past wrongs of your marriage partner? Are you finding yourself tallying all the injustices you feel have been committed against you down to the last detail? Have you ever been cheated by your spouse?

If your answer to all the questions is yes, you are carrying heavy baggage that will surely be harmful to your marriage and to your family as a whole. You may have had your trust betrayed or felt pain because of a cheating spouse. Maybe it is time for you to forgive.

Before you shake your head and say “no way,” it would help you to see that you need to forgive not just to save your marriage or your family, but for your own sake as well. It is normal to feel miserable either because you have been cheated or simply because of your partner’s insensitivity to your needs. But walking around feeling depressed, disappointed, and frustrated will have an impact to the people around you, especially your children, not to mention, your physical disposition as well.

You tend to overlook all the good things and people that come your way. You keep your head too low, looking at the dirt and the mud you fail to see how blue the sky is or how bright the sun is shining. Forgiveness is not easy to give. It requires humility and acceptance, something many see as signs of weakness. The wounded would rather build walls around them to keep their distance from their partner, refusing to “let go” or “make peace.”

One thing we have to learn about forgiveness is that it should be made as a conscious decision. It is difficult and it takes time and sheer determination but it is also possible. In saving your marriage, you have to decide for yourself that you would like to start all over again despite the risk of being hurt again. In a way, you are little by little rebuilding your trust on your partner.

Think of forgiveness as a gift you deserve for yourself. In the process, you accept that your partner did you wrong, or betrayed your trust, or broke you to pieces. You admit your grief, your pain, and your suffering before you acknowledge that you are ready to forgive to save your marriage or for the sake of your children and whole family. You will forgive because you love your spouse, which is why you were hurt because of what he or she did to you in the first place.

Another thing about forgiving is that it is not synonymous to forgetting. When you forgive past wrongs, you still remember your partner’s wrongdoing but without feeling as resentful as in the beginning. Many couples who found themselves in the same situation make the mistake of blaming each other so they find it hard to move on. It is usually harder for the children seeing their parents resent each other.

You could still save your marriage. Start forgiving and allow the wounds to start healing.