Often they come as a surprise. For years your marriage has been the same. Sure, there have been problems, but nothing that might put the marriage at risk. Then, out of the blue, your spouse tells you this.
What does it mean?
First, know that this is a very common phrase in marital difficulties. While the specifics might be different, generally the meaning is the same. So while your specific marriage issues might not perfectly match this (short) article, just know that you really aren’t alone. Now on to what your spouse is trying to say.
The first half of the phrase, “I love you,” means that they value the “comfortable” part of the marriage. You’re safe. You’re a known. Maybe you’re a good mother (if a woman) or a good provider (if a man). Unfortunately, the word “but” negates that.
The last part of the phrase, “I’m not in love with you” means that they aren’t feeling connected to you. This could be due to a lack of emotional connection if you aren’t communicating effectively any more. It could mean that you are no longer connecting physically, either through non-sexual touching during the day or through sex. But regardless of the specifics, it means that they just don’t feel “the spark” with you any more.
Most of the time men need more sexual affirmation of your connection, and women need more emotional and non-sexual touching, but all three are important to any marriage. These things are a big part of what makes us feel close to our spouse. And closeness in one or two of these areas will help build closeness in the third. When they’re missing, it becomes a noticeable rift in the marriage – not necessarily the cause, but definitely a symptom. Please note too that this isn’t about the “she does this” or “he doesn’t do that” things in the marriage. It’s a symptom of the other issues – probably things that you could both be doing differently.
Now for the bad news.
In an extremely high percentage of cases, when a spouse says, “I love you but I’m not in love with you,” they are either involved in an emotional affair or a physical affair or they are starting down the road to one or the other. Once they have started communicating with someone to whom they do feel the spark, they realize immediately that it’s missing in their marriage. They start feeling the quickening of their pulse, the flush, and the expectation of the other person’s text messages or calls. This makes them realize all the more that they don’t feel this way with you anymore.
So if your spouse has said, “I love you but I’m not in love with you,” your marriage very well could be on a precipice. If you don’t take positive action immediately, you could be in the middle of a real crisis.
For a great, “where do I go from here” road map, I highly recommend, Save the Marriage. In it, Dr. Baucom gives a great step-by-step approach for handling marriage problems – including how to know if your spouse is having an emotional or physical affair and how swiftly bring it to an end. Click here to check it out. It’s the only book I recommend, and I’m certain it can help you if you’ll take the first step.
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Tagged with: emotional affair • physical affair
Filed under: Affair Advice • Troubled Marriage Advice
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Thank you for this article. It’s like my life verbadom. Not only did my wife tell me that, but shortly after I found out about an emotional affair. Unfortunately we are at crisis mode now but the article was much appreciated.
I feel like that right now with my fiancee. We have been in a relationship for seven years and i have begged for at least four of those years just to help me work on our relationship… when he never would i became very detached from him. I began resen ting him. I no longer feel in love with him but we have four young children so i feel trapped in a relationship with him. I began having an emotional and physical affair and it only made me more confused. He now does everything i had ever asked of him, but i still have no attraction to him and i cringe when he touches me and i feel disgusted when we have sex. The craziest part is that he is still totally in love with me! I find myself resenting him even more for being happy in a situation that makes me so miserable. I wanna work on things but i don’t know how to change my feelings. Help!
@Bree
Here are two things you can do right now:
First, any words, actions, or even thoughts on your part that are disrespectful towards your fiancee must stop. Some part of you has lost respect for him, and you need to work on getting that back.
Second, you MUST completely sever ALL contact with the other man. If you don’t, you’re just feeding your emotional needs at another table. You’ll never even begin looking for these things at home.
The great news is that he’s trying. He might be trying the wrong things, but an effort is worth something. The bad news is that you’ll have to come clean about the affair at some point.
Take a look at Save the Marriage. I realize you’re not married, but any long-term relationship with kids faces the same dynamics. This book will help you find the steps you need to take, and will help you explain better what you need from him.
Bree> {removed some strong words -M}. I feel sorry for your husband and your children. Once a tramp..
Wow! You really saw into my life with this post!
We’ve been married for 6 years, and things have kind of become difficult over the past two. He never pulls his weight and seemed like he was already checked out of the marriage.
3 weeks ago, I got the “I love you but im not in love with you” speech. That was kind of a wake up call for me, so I started digging. You were right. He’s been seeing a girl from his office.
Since then, I’ve tried to be extra nice to him, but it just feels like I’m pushing him further away. Last night he even told me he thinks he loves her.
Help!?