How a Man Can Improve Physical Intimacy in a Marriage

Improve physical intimacy? Is there a way for the average man to accomplish this? Men are usually a little rough around the edges, yet a woman usually has dreams of romance from her man. She may find his ruggedness attractive, but she also probably dreams of a more tender side for her mate. Her “Prince Charming” may not have those natural tendencies. Since she often views all of life as being interrelated, his lack of tenderness, loving words, and even charm may keep her enjoyment of physical intimacy from being as great as it could be. What’s a man to do?

Deference is what a man often does for his wife. While modern society seems to lessen the importance of a man’s leadership in his home, the Bible does indicate that a man is to exercise such leadership. That, however, does not mean that he is to be a dictatorial tyrant. Most men do not want such a position of tyranny. The Bible indicates that even the man who views himself as a responsible leader in his home “lives to please his wife.” That is why he often defers to his wife. He should not go overboard in this natural tendency. He may desire so much to please his wife that he may be tempted to put her even above God. That would not help matters, but he often does defer to his wife’s wishes.

The loving wife who respects her husband, and builds him up, reaps the benefit of his desiring even more to please her. This gives her a great position of influence. The more that she defers to him, the more he desire to reciprocate by deferring to her. This keeps a biblical marriage from being involved in a constant struggle. Since the husband lives to please his wife, he will want to please her in every way he can. If he suspects that her enjoyment of physical intimacy could be improved, he will want to do what he can to bring that about.

Tenderness and Touch

One of the things a husband can do is to learn to be tender toward his wife. She often has a need to feel that he tenderly loves her. He, in learning this tenderness, will also do well to make an extra effort to make her feel special. The Bible, speaking of a wife, does not say that she is a weaker vessel, though she often is physically weaker than he, but it says for the husband to treat her as the weaker vessel. This statement points out a need for him to act in tender loving ways.

The man will need to understand the power of a caress. Most men are visually motivated, and most women are motivated more by touch. (These are generalities. If a women is very visually oriented, or if a man is motivated more by touch, that does not mean anything is wrong with either of them. Still, these generalities have been observed for many years by those who study marriage.) The man who learns to tenderly and lovingly caress his wife can improve their experience of physical intimacy in marriage. Since the man is like a microwave, he is instantly on at first sight. The woman however, like the electric stove, will be like the burner that is first cool, and then begins to warm up. His tender touch can cause that warming sensation.


Many men are not naturally romantic. This, however, is a skill that can be learned. One of the killers in a marriage is boredom. When the man becomes more romantic at other times besides lovemaking, he adds more variety to the whole marriage. Remember the wife often tends to view all of life as being interrelated. How can a man learn these things? He can pay attention to what makes her smile as she watches romantic movies. He can observe other men who seem to have caught on to this skill. He can read about ways to be more romantic, and if their relationship is very good, he can even ask his wife.

Some other things he can do are to verbally express his love and show affection. He can say that he loves her. He can give her kisses several times during the day.

I have heard of one counselor who has had good success by telling the husband to hug and kiss his wife at several times during the day. He even gave the husband things to say. These husbands did not do these things naturally, but they did them anyway because they truly did love their wives. In many case, the wife knew that the husband was doing these things as an “assignment” rather them doing them spontaneously. After, a few days, it did not matter that this was an assignment. Things did begin to improve. The husbands got into the habit of the right words and actions, and later those words and actions did become natural expressions from them.

Can a man improve physical intimacy in marriage? Surprisingly, what he learns to do outside of the marriage act will often pay great dividends when he and his wife come together for physical intimacy. He certainly can improve this important area of their marriage if he is willing to observe and listen, and put into practice what he learns.

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